Angry at God

I would love to say that my Christian journey has been all peaches and cream, but it has been far from it. There have been more trials than I care to remember. What I have learned through all the trials is that He brings his children back to Him if we let Him.

Next I will fast forward several years to the first time I felt the angriest at God. I had been unhappy and a little angry with Him on other things before, but this time I shut down. I never stopped believing in Him; I just lost trust in Him for a while. The strength of my faith was shattered.

I had always played by the rules. All my life, I did what I was supposed to do for the most part. I believed in God, took my children to church, I respected my elders, etc.and I participated in life. I couldn't believe He would allow this to happen to me.

I was married with two beautiful children; Brandi had just turned 3 yrs and Eric was 8 mths. We belonged to and attended the church I grew up in regularly. I took the children to visit their great-grandparents as well as their grandparents. I loved being a mother and wanted another child close to Eric's age. I was so excited when I suspected I was pregnant. I went to the doctor for the test. Well, the urinalysis never worked on me so, I had to wait the week or so for the blood test to confirm what I already knew.

On the day the call to confirm I was pregnant came, I had awaken to find I was bleeding a lot and not feeling well. When the call came not long after I got up, I told the nurse what was happening. She gave me a time to come in. I put Eric in his crib and told Brandi to play for a few minutes while I took a quick shower. I had just stepped into the shower when I lost the baby. The disbelief; the horror. I was in shock, I somehow managed to check on Brandi and Eric then call for help. I had no one but my babies.

Long story short, I ended up at the hospital where I had to have surgery. I awoke all alone in the hospital. My baby was gone and I just wanted to hold Brandi and Eric. My mind was screaming,"God, how could you do this to me? WHY did you do this to me? I WANT MY BABY BACK" .

The next day I went home, but I was changed forever. It took months before I could be around any other baby except Eric and Brandi. My arms ached to hold my baby. I heard her (my heart always thought it was a girl) cry at night for me. I was so angry at God.  There wasn't anyone to talk to about it and I'm not sure I would have even if there had been. Everyone that I saw kept saying things like, "these things happen for a reason" and "it wasn't meant to be".  A part of me was ashamed to be so angry at God, but I was. I avoided people for a long time. I just wrapped myself up in the babies I had left. Then, I would get scared He would take them too.

In my mind I yelled at God. I had survived a horrible ordeal when I was younger and I didn't yell at Him. Then there were the times when I would get angry that my brothers had disabilities and couldn't be like the other kids. Still I hadn't yelled at Him. Taking my baby from me shook me to the core; every fiber of my being was angry. I couldn't understand why He took my baby from me.

Within a few months of losing the baby, my marriage ended. Then the custody battle. To say I was angry is putting it mildly. This is another story for another day.

I would love to tell you that some wonderful revelation happened that brought me back to God, but it didn't. I am not sure when or how I made my way back. I think it was because I didn't quit talking to Him. Through all the pain, sorrow, anger, and all the other emotions, I may have yelled at Him, but I never stopped talking to Him. Somehow, he eventually brought me home. Just as the shepherd brings back the lost sheep, He picked me up and brought me home to Him. Picture an angry child and a parent holding that child tight in a hug even though the child doesn't want to be held. Eventually, the child calms down and relaxes in the parents arms. That was me and God.

No matter what you go through in life, NEVER stop talking to Him. He knows we are human. He knows we get angry, frustrated, happy, sad, and all the other human emotions. Just talk to Him even if you are angry with Him, just keep talking. He hears you. He never promised us we wouldn't hurt, but He did promise to be with you if you seek Him. During that entire time, I didn't realize I sought Him when I yelled at Him, but He did.