Old Songs Continue

I thought of my old Bible last night, the one that was given to my by my parents on February 14, 1972. I was so proud. I just couldn't believe they surprised me with such a beautiful Bible to take to church and youth league. It was so beautiful then; white that zipped with gold on the edges of each page. It was priceless to me and still is even though today it looks beat up; worn, gold gone, tattered. This was not my doing, but that is another story. I took that Bible with me to work today  to read at lunch. It always brings me such pleasure just to simply hold it. I still love the feel of it in my hands. At lunch, I read a few passages I had highlighted many years ago. Then, I started to read Daniel, but switched to Romans. That Bible is still one of my most treasured possessions.

The past several months I have been downsizing; getting rid of material possessions that I no longer want, use, or need. Possessions that are simply that, possessions. Items that need my attention which take what little time I have after work from my family and from God. I am not a material person so, this has not been too difficult for me to do.

I am still a work in progress, but God knows my heart and He keeps blessing me beyond measure even though I know I am not worthy.  He is my Father and I am His child.

Music is the one thing I have had throughout my life that can match any mood; any feeling. From happiness to the depths of great despair; music has been my go to from rock to Christian. While I listen to contemporary Christian music 99% of the time, I still favor some of the old time religious greats which have held me together through some very difficult times.

Tonight three songs flow through my mind. Each hold such treasured meanings and memories. Just read the words and let their meaning sink in.

Lord Build Me A Cabin 

Many years I've been lookin' for a place to call home
But I still didn't find it so I must travel on
I don't care for the fine mansions on earth's sinkin sand
Lord build me a cabin in the corner of gloryland

Lord build me just a cabin in the corner of gloryland
In the shade of his tree of life that it may ever stand
Where I can hear the angels and shake Jesus' hand
Lord build me a cabin in the corner of gloryland

Listen Lord I'm not askin' to live in the midst
For I know that I'm not worthy of such splendor as this
When I ask Him for mercy while humbly I stand
Lord build me a cabin in the corner of gloryland

I've many dear loved one's who've gone on this way
On the grapevine of mournin' shall I hear them all say
Come and join in the singin' and play in our band
Lord build me a cabin in the corner of gloryland

I Need No Mansion

                I

WHEN BURDENS COME SO HARD TO BEAR
THAT NO EARTHLY FRIEND CAN SHARE
TEARS DRIVE AWAY THE SMILES AND LEAVES MY HEART IN PAIN.
THEN MY LORD FROM HEAVEN ABOVE
SPEAKS TO ME IN TONES OF LOVE
WIPES THE TEARS AWAY AND MAKES ME SMILE AGAIN.
          
                 II
          
OH THE THO'T TO ME IS SWEET THAT MY LOVED ONES I SHALL MEET.
AT THE ENDING OF THE JOURNEY HERE BELOW
SEEMS I HEAR THEIR VOICES BLEND
IN A WORLD WITHOUT AN END
I WON'T WORRY WHEN HE TIME SHALL COME TO GO.
          
                 III
          
WHEN JESUS COMES TO CLAIM HIS OWN
I WILL MOVE TO MY NEW HOME
I'LL WALK AND TALK WITH HIM UPON THE STREETS OF GOLD.
A MANSION IS WAITING ME SOON IT'S BEAUTY I WILL SEE
IN THAT CITY WHERE WE NEVER SHALL GROW OLD.
          
                CHORUS
          
I NEED NO MANSION HERE BELOW
FOR JESUS SAID THAT I COULD GO
TO A HOME BEYOND THE CLOUDS NOT MAD E WITH HANDS.
OH WON'T YOU COME AND GO ALONG
WE WILL SING THE SWEETEST SONG
EVER PLAYED UPON THE HARPS IN GLORYLAND.

Where Could I Go

Living below, in this old sinful world
Hardly a comfort can afford
Striving alone, to face temptation's sore
Where could I go but to the Lord?

Where could I go, oh where could I go?
Seeking a refuge for my soul
Needing a friend, to help me in the end
Where could I go, but to the Lord?

Neighbors are kind, I love them everyone
We get along in sweet accord
But when my soul, needs manna from above
Where could I go but to the Lord?

Where could I go, oh where could I go?
Seeking a refuge for my soul
Needing a friend, to help me in the end
Where could I go, but to the Lord?

Life here is grand, with friends I love so dear
Comfort I get from God's own word
Yet when I face this chilling hand of death
Where could I go but to the Lord?

Where could I go, oh where could I go?
Seeking a refuge for my soul
Needing a friend, to help me in the end
Where could I go, but to the Lord?




My one thought is Where Could I Go But To The Lord. Happy, sad, mad, glad, and every emotion in between; He is my one sure thing and He is always with me. He is with you too.

Father God, I thank you for music that soothes the savage beast in us as well as proclaims our joys and for Your mercy which flows when we feel most undeserving. Please keep working on us that we may come closer to You.  Through our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, I pray. Amen.

Songs of Old

Scarlet Purple Robe Lyrics

 There's a story so unkind in the Holy book we find

And it tells how Jesus stood alone one day
False accused and there condemned yet they found no fault with Him
The man who wore the scarlet purple robe

Purple robe my Savior wore oh the shame for me he bore
As He stood alone, forsaken on that day
And they placed upon His head piercing thorns and blood stained red
His raiment was a scarlet purple robe

In the common judgment hall he was mocked and scorned by all
And a tear of sorrow fell upon His cheek
Soldiers of the wicked man smote Him with their evil hand
The Man who wore the scarlet purple robe

Words of truth that day were plain from the lips of Pilot came
In this man I find no reason He should die
But the multitudes replied let Him now be crucified
The man who wore the scarlet purple robe

Oh the River Of Jordan is many miles away
And this mighty river I may never see
But I'll find myself an alter in an old fashioned church
And my River Of Jordan that will be

RANK STRANGERS LYRICS

I wandered again to my home in the mountain
Where in youths early dawn I was happy and free
I looked for my friends but I never could find them
I found they were all rank strangers to me

   Everybody I met seemed to be a rank stranger
   No mother no dad not a friend I could see
   They knew not my name and I knew not their faces
   I found they were all rank strangers to me

They've moved all away said the voice of a stranger
To a beautiful home by the bright crystal sea
Some beautiful day I'll meet them in heaven
Where no one will be a stranger to me

My daughter's blog has triggered a sea of songs in my mind. The two songs above have such special meaning for me as well as treasured feelings of love. Memories flood as I hear a dear family friend sing these two songs with such heartfelt melody. This was the dear lady I still visit when I can when I go to VA. The same dear lady that was our cook at Dewey School that took such good care of us and prayed for and with us. I love you Abby Bowman. Thank you for being such a strong Christian influence in my life.

I thank God for the many special people He put in my life who were strong in the faith and not afraid to show it.

God's Love: I Have a Father!

The love of God; the love from God, is all consuming. At times, it may feel far away; while, at other times, it may feel overwhelming, but it is always there.

Earlier today I was reminded of a reality that hit many years ago. I have always felt unworthy of God's love. I have often felt unloved, unaccepted, not worthy. While I don't remember what made me realize just what Jesus did for me, I did realize the full impact of it with a powerful blow. He was whipped, nailed to a cross, stretched out his arms, and died for me; for my sins He took the punishment.

I was driving to work one day many years ago (I won't share just yet what was on my mind, but, needless to say, I was feeling frustrated and alone; envious of others and angry to a degree) when I suddenly realized, I have a Father and He loves me! I was all consumed with this knowledge!

This realization really got me to thinking. As I delved further into this new found revelation, I thought more about how I feel about my own children. Was there anything that would make me not love them? Heck no! They are my babies. I realized this is how my true Father feels about me! Wow! Still I thought I am unworthy. I thought further. I thought about how I never could stand to see someone be punished. I thought about how a sibling protects another sibling by taking the blame for something they didn't do just to save their brother/sister from punishment. Then, I thought more about all my sins; back sliding, sins unspoken. I realized that Jesus was whipped for my sins; He took on my punishment. He took on my punishment to the degree of death. Wow! I am loved so much that someone died for me. He didn't want to see me suffer, so he paid the price for me. This was too much to take in.

When I put it all in the context of daily life, I was overwhelmed with the reality of what Jesus did for me and just how much He loves me. Wow!

He not only took on the punishment for my sins, He took on the punishment for your sins too. He loves us. He only wants us to acknowledge Him as our Saviour. He intervenes for us with Father God.  He made the ultimate sacrifice for me and for you. There is no other who would do for us what He has done. He did this so we could go to the Father. No one could do this for us but Him.

"No one comes to the Father except through Me" Jesus.

I thank God for His all powerful love and for Jesus who gave the ultimate sacrifice for me;for us. All this was done to give us eternal life. Life on earth is temporary; fleeting. God, through Jesus Christ, has given those who believe and accept Him, eternal life in Heaven with Him. Thank you Lord. I am Yours.

He Knows My Name!!!

God Gives Us What We Need When We Need It

While I share the majority of the same fears as my daughter, tonight I will talk about how we think we need one thing, but God knows we need another.

You see, I am an introvert. Many of you will disagree with this, but it is true. Many of you will describe me as outgoing, out spoken, and always joins in and I am, but I'm not.  It take a lot of energy for me to be outgoing and to join it on the activities. Don't get me wrong, I do love people and enjoying time doing things with others, but I need periodic quiet time to regroup. This is not always easy to come by.

Given the way my year has gone and all the added responsibilities, plus the hectic pace, I have desperately needed some quiet time to just be alone to reflect and just be with God. The beach is my main "go to" place.

I thought our trip to SASA (South Atlantic Shrine Association) conference would be my chance to have to quiet time on the beach. While I did get some time, I found I also wanted to be with our Shrine family. This surprised me greatly. I truly thought I would just spend most of my time alone with little interaction with the others. I had even asked for forgiveness in advance. The ones I spoke with had previously said they understood.

Not only did I spend time with our family, but I was able to step out of the norm and spend time getting to know some of our Shrine family that I hadn't spent much time with before this trip. This was another fear faced; I am usually quiet and sometimes nervous around people I don't really know well. I know, I know, this is hard for a lot of you to believe about me, but it's true.

I found myself to be the most relaxed on this trip than any other trip I have gone on in all these years (family trips excluded) and I have been on a lot of trips between my work and Robert's.  I was so at ease with our Shrine family. I, as well as others, came and went as we wanted. Everyone was so great. I had so much fun with so many people. It was a good feeling to be with our Shrine family. They were just what God ordered!

I look back and realize that we were pulled to Jamil after Bradley got home from having his feeding tube inserted, after dad died, on Fridays after work, and so many other times. Hmmmmm. Interesting that I hadn't realized this before now.

I still need some time to wrap my head around this year, but, for now, this will wait. God gave me the family time I needed. He made me see they are my family and I love being with them. He even increased the size of my immediate Shrine family.

God gives us what we need when we need it. We may think we need one thing, but God knows what we really need.

I thank God for the blessing of our Shrine family and the wonderful trip He blessed us with.

Let It Go

As I look upon the majestic wonder of the ocean that our God created, I am reminded that all things are possible with God. He created the heavens and the earth; the ocean and the mountains and everything in them. He created me. Who am I to think that He, the one who created all this and us, can't take care of me? I am not worthy. I am His child; the one He created. He loves me. I simply must turn everything over to Him. I must trust and obey Him.

I am a person who likes to be in control so, this is easier said than done. He brings me back to the place that gives me peace and reminds me who is in control and it isn't me. He is in control. I have to obey and follow.

The song "Let It Go" is repeated over and over in my head as I hear and watch the crashing of the waves against the shore. I want to run out onto the beach and dance and sing His praises. I know He is with me. He always has been. He always will be as long as I let Him and I follow and obey. I feel His love; His arms wrapped around me. I am a baby in the arms of my Father. My Father; our father. Our creator.

Consume me oh Lord. Bring me closer to you. Make everything I am be for your glory. You created all. I believe. Forgive me for trying to be in control. Help me be a better follower. Help me be a better example. Help me do as you want me to do for your glory. Thank you for all you have blessed me with. Thank you for reminding me that I am your child and I am loved. Thank you for bringing me back to the place where I am reminded that you are GREAT and ALL MIGHTY! Help me to keep this reminder fresh in my mind and heart in all that I do.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

When Eric was around 3 or 4 years old, he asked me a question that I have long since pondered. This question opened a new insight that has since made me wonder what I would have done and believed if I had lived during the time Jesus was on earth.

It was close to Christmas and the story of the angel appearing to Joseph had Eric's mind working overtime. He contemplated and stayed in deep thought as he mulled it over in his young mind. I knew something had been on his mind, but it took a while before he told me what had him so perplexed. Eric was not one to ponder things for long before talking to me so, I knew this had to be big and boy, was it ever!

Eric, "Mommy, how did Joseph know the angel was real and not just a dream?"
Me,  "He just knew. He knew God had sent the angel to him to tell him what to do."
Eric, "But, how did he know it was real and not just a dream?"
Me, "He felt it in his heart."
Eric, "We feel dreams and a lot of things. How did he know? Why did he believe the angel?"
Me, "Because Joseph loved God and he knew God so well that God told him it was real."

Shew! The conversation went on like that for quite a while and for several months to come. We discussed how God feels in his heart.He understood that, but he just couldn't imagine a real angel appearing.

As an adult child of God, I understand how Joseph knew. For a child, I can see how this may be difficult to understand. Think about dreams you have had; especially, when you were a child.

Then I took the thought deeper. How did Joseph know? If that happened to me today, would I have believed it was real? How did others know later in the life of Jesus that He was the Saviour? The majority of the world said He wasn't. Would I have been brave and followed Him? If He had come to me and told me to leave all my worldly possessions and everyone and follow Him, would I have gone?  Would I have believed and followed or would I have been one of the ones that explained away all the miracles He performed? Think about it. Think about if that had happened in your lifetime what would you think, feel, do? Put it in today's perspective. Would it be too hard to believe? So many things in life that are miracles from God, we just explain away.

I think it is so easy to think I would have done as the followers did. I think it is easy to think this way because I know the history, but what if I had lived during the time the history was being made? Until Eric's question, I had always thought how great it would have been to have lived during the time Jesus was on the earth in the flesh. I had never truly thought about how a real person felt; how they may have struggled to believe that Jesus was, in fact, the promised Saviour.

I thank God that I have the advantage of knowing the history of Jesus. I believe Jesus does want us to leave our worldly possessions and follow Him today; to trust Him completely with every area of our lives.  I believe we are blessed with the advantage to know the stories; the history of Jesus' life on earth. We learn a lot from history.  We did not have to pass the particular test of faith of living during that era. While I would have loved to have walked with Jesus in the flesh, He made it easier for you and me by letting us live in an era that has the history to learn from.

I am sure that there were people during His life on earth that believed, but were content to just go about their daily lives much like people do today. Those who don't testify unless in the "right" setting such as church, etc. I learned more about putting myself in another's shoes since that day that Eric presented me with that question. Now, through Brandi, I have learned another part. I am not testifying to others. I have become, or maybe always was, one of those people content to go on about my daily life; believing, but not working to bring others to Jesus through testimony. I testify safely, when I am sure it is right such as with another believer. I pray that God gives us the courage and helps us recognize the opportunities He gives us to testify. I pray that we step out of our comfort zone and testify so that others may come to know our Father through Jesus Christ.

"God, I can't do this."

Have your ever been so overwhelmed, so tired, so frustrated that you just can't do something? Have you ever told God, "I can't do this"? Have you ever heard God say, "Yes, you can"? Have you ever looked back on your life or a circumstance where you wondered,  "How did I do that"? Have you ever been so overwhelmed or tired, but you made it through and did what you had to do knowing that you were on auto-pilot? I have many times in my life. The most recent was the last 3 weeks of my dad's life.

The call came. He was very bad off and being transported to Holston Valley Hospital. I went, but thought he's going to be fine. I was home a few days later. Then the call came, he's worse. I went still thinking he's going to be fine. This time the doubts crept in, but I still thought he will be fine. This went on and I made the drive several times. I knew when the doctor called me himself and had me pulled out of a meeting that this would be the last time. The end was near.

All the drives back and forth. The doubts came more often with each trip. Reality was sinking in. Responsibility for him as well as my mom and brothers became my life. I was tired. I still am.

Me, "God I can't do this."
God, "Yes, you can."
Me, "God, I am tired. I can't do this. This is too much."
God, "Yes, you can."
Me, "I am one person. I need help. I don't have the answers. I can't make the right decisions."
God, "I will give them to you. I will send you help."
Me, "God, I am tired. I need help."
God, "Go to my house. I will give you rest. The help you need is with you. Take  down your walls. Trust the one you never thought would be there. He will guide you. He is there for you. Let him help you."
Me, "I am rested in your house. I will try, but God I don't trust him."
God, "Trust him. He will be your rock. He loves you."
Me, "I don't understand. He doesn't even like me."
God, "Trust me. Lean on me. Do as I say. I will keep you strong."
Me, "I need you to take over. I am too tired."


He did. When I thought I couldn't make that drive again; He took over. When the decisions were too tough to make; He guided me and gave me the strength I needed. When I was overwhelmed and tired; He took over. I watched myself be strong, decisive, there for all. It was as if I were out of my body watching someone else. He controlled and led. I was tired and overwhelmed; unsure and questioning myself. He took over. He gave me what I needed as I needed it to do what had to be done.

The last day I was in the chapel:
Me, "God, he is suffering. He is in so much pain. He is struggling. Please have his soul. If it is Your will for him to die, please take him now. Please end his suffering. Please have his soul. Forgive me, but I just want his suffering to end. Forgive me if I am wrong to ask you to take him. Jesus please hold me. I can't stand this. Your will, not mine."
God, "I will keep you strong. Go to him. Tell him it is time. Tell him to let go."

I went to the room on a mission. I told him it was time. I told him to let go. I cleared the room so, he would quit fighting death when there was noise in the room.

Me, "God, I can't take care of my mom and my brothers. Please don't take her too. I can't do this."
God, "Yes, you can. It won't be easy, but I will show you how. I will give you what you need when you need it. Trust me."

He is still guiding me and I know I am a work in progress, but I look back on my life and know He has, and always will be, my strength. He carries me more often than not.  Lean on Him. Trust in Him. Let Him lead. Do what He says and I promise He will give you what you need as you need it and He will be your strength too.

Blessings

Tonight, I am angry. I am angry that my baby girl, who has always been a faithful Christian, is facing yet another trial. I want to go on with my frustration, but God has laid it on my heart to cling to the blessings; to tell something positive. I almost disobeyed, but I am working to follow what He puts on me to do. So, here goes.

It's 2004, two very scared young people are standing before me in our family room; my son and his fiance. They had driven down from Greenville to tell me in person. They are not sure how I will react. They finally came out with it. Stephanie is pregnant. My baby boy is going to be a Daddy!!! I guess I should have been upset, but I wasn't. This child, a baby, is a gift from God. I was elated to put it mildly! I was going to be a Nana! WOW!

March 20, 2005: Steph had to have a c-section so, Eric was the only one who could be in the delivery room. We all waited in anticipation. We had been at the hospital for a couple of days (another story) and the day was here! I happened to be sitting at just the right spot and was the first to see Eric wheel the bassinet into the area. I quickly jumped up. I selfishly got to her first. Jenna Jade took my breath away! OMW! I don't even have the words to express the love that flowed through me as I laid eyes on her and touched her for the first time.

In 2005, my daughter and son-in-law came over. I thought they wanted to drive down to Charleston for the day. I remember thinking that I didn't want to make the drive, but how do I tell them without hurting their feelings. I was in my room getting ready for the day and Bran just wanted me to come into the family room so they could talk to us. I was putting clear nail polish on my fingernails. According to them, I stopped in mid-air when Bran told me she was pregnant. I remember things as if in slow motion. I thought I had misunderstood her. They finally made it sink in. OMW!!! My baby was having a baby!!!!

February 4, 2006: The night before Brandi had called. They were on the way to the hospital. I sat waiting. They sent her home. My gut told me this was the night. A few hours later, they were on their way back to the hospital. This was it!!  Hours later, I was the first to see that beautiful head! Then, he was here! My handsome little man; my Boo was here!!! This was my first time watching the incredible miracle of a child being born. WOW!

I was blessed three more times with these incredible little people entering my life! Each special; each taking my breath away! Love overwhelming that there are no words to describe. My grandchildren! WOW!

This is how I think the Father feels when each of us are born; all consuming love.

Sometimes we need to focus on the blessings. I pray that God reminds us each and everyone of the incredible, all consuming love He has for us.

Straying and Lessons I'm Still Learning

It is so true that when God has you, the Devil pulls out all the stops to get you back. From the day I was baptized, my life was one trial after another. Did I stray after trials; after jolts that shook my core? Yes, many times I did.

There were times, after adversity hit, that I lost my way. There were times when I was just so tired; times when I strayed that were unintentional.  Some of the times I strayed more than I did at other times, but stray I did. No, I didn't turn to drugs or alcohol or anything like that. My way of straying was to stay away from God.

God wants his children with Him. I look back on my life and I see so many people that God put in my life that, at one time or another, led me back to Him. People like Mrs. Waller (sp?) who owned the preschool Brandi and Eric attended. She pulled me aside one day and asked if she could start picking up the children on Sundays to go to church. She explained that she was the Children's Sunday School Coordinator and took several children on Sundays in the daycare (or was it the church) van. I agreed for several reasons: 1) I really did want my children to feel the love and acceptance of church as I had. 2) This lady had been my angel when I sought childcare. She quickly became my mentor in a lot of ways so, I trusted her to guide me. 3) Selfishly, I thought I could get some rest. I was working 3 jobs and I was exhausted.

Before long, the children were to be in a program at the church. Mrs. Waller made sure I knew and would be there. Of course, I would go. I walked through the doors at Trinity United Methodist Church in Charleston to find the missing piece to my life. That was all it took, I was back in church. I had a church family again. This was during a very difficult time in my life; going through a divorce and a major custody battle alone in a new city with 2 babies.

Very soon after I started attending Trinity, I knew I wanted to have the children christened there. This also was a testament of reaffirming my faith. Oh, how Rev Matthews and our new church family rejoiced.

I know my life right now doesn't show it, but I do believe it is important to worship with others to stay on the right path. I am still a work in progress. I believe completely in God. I am not always the best at following the path He has for me, but I am getting there. Through many trials, I have come a long way with trust issues.

This is just one minor way He has brought me back. More to come.

My prayer for us all is that we always find our way back and that straying becomes a thing of the past for all who are like me.

In The Hospital Chapel

In the continuation of my journey, I am going to fast forward to when my baby girl was almost 10 years old. This was a time when God snatched me back and brought me to my knees. A mother's worst nightmare; my child was at death's door. Where Could I Go But To The Lord.

We were living outside of Atlanta. Life had been going along and things were good. Brandi and Eric had the best of friends in our neighborhood and there was always something to do. I was able to work only part time which I enjoyed so, I could be there for the children more. Then, with no warning, Robert was laid off.  We had always wanted to move back to Charleston so, we took this as the perfect time. He would go to SC on interviews in search of a new job. Needless to say, money was tight, but we would be okay for a while.

As many of you know, when it rains; it pours. And pour it did. I came home from work one day in December to find my baby girl laying on the sofa not feeling well. She said her chest hurt. I thought she was getting a chest cold so, I did the usual home remedies. A little while later, Brandi was in a lot of pain and her chest was caving in. Robert was in Charleston. I was scared to death. Luckily adrenalin kicked in. I got her in the car, ran across the street to my neighbor's house. I banged on Charlotte's house all the way to her front door while yelling for her. Needless to say, she came out right away. The minute I saw her, I started back to the car at the same time I was yelling for her to please get Eric and lock up my house. She saw Bran's condition and just yelled "GO". Bless her heart. Thank God she was my neighbor.

I never knew until that night how fast I could drive in Atlanta/Mableton traffic. Well, it wasn't me driving for I know my Lord took over. I remember hearing Brandi struggling to breathe and I remember my speedometer reaching over 90. I was praying like I hadn't prayed in years. When I got to the ER, I got her inside and the nurses immediately took her from me and rushed her to the back. They got her breathing under control a few hours later and I was able to take her home. My baby had just had her first asthma attack.

A few days later, on New Year's Eve, Brandi had another major attack. This time Robert was there. Again, racing to the hospital with the same scenario;they took her, got breathing under control, and we went home. As we pulled in the driveway, her breathing became struggled again and her chest was caving in again. Robert turned around and we flew back to the hospital. This time would take days to get her breathing back to a point where she could go home.

Again, they took her back immediately. This time Eric was with us. He was so scared. We were petrified, but tried to keep up a brave front for him. We tried to distract him so, we went down a hall to get him a soda (we couldn't be in while they worked on her). We passed by where they were working on Brandi. My knees buckled and the vice grip around my heart clutched my heart tighter in it's icy grip. I saw Eric's eyes go bigger with fear and saw Robert sway as we saw the medical team working on Bran. Reality hit hard. My mind prayed, "Oh, God! God PLEASE, PLEASE! God, no! God PLEASE make her better!"

By the time they got her stable enough to admit her and move her to a room, it was after midnight. The insurance expired at midnight. They explained to us that she would have to be in a private room and one of us would have to be with her at all times. She was not out of the woods yet. When we were finally able to be with her, she had so many fluids going through her IV. She was so pale. I was scared beyond words. My precious baby girl had been breathes away from her last. A knowledge and fear that words cannot begin to describe. She looked so frail;so tiny. "God PLEASE"

We had no family in the area and no one could come and help us. We took turns. I would stay at night and Robert would stay during the day. A new problem, now he couldn't look for a job. I was part time and didn't get paid if I didn't work. Somehow, although this scared us, we didn't care as long as Brandi would be alright. Our world stopped and nothing else mattered but our baby girl.

When Robert would come in the mornings, I didn't go home. I was somehow drawn to the hospital chapel. I don't even know how I ended up in the area the chapel was in. I just walked down a hall and there it was. I knew I had to go in. I would have lost it without that chapel. He was always there. He wrapped His arms around me, his wayward child, even though I didn't deserve it. He held me tight in that chapel and gave me rest.  I spent hours in the chapel alone and with Eric. We would sit quietly; praying and feeling God embrace us. I never knew a chapel in the hospital could be so calming. I had not been to church in years yet, there I was, the only place I could find peace, back in God's house.

Days of being at the hospital wear you out. God sent the mother of a friend of Brandi to visit. Their entire family came the first time. They took one look at us and knew we were in need of some serious help. We were exhausted and scared to death. She took over at times so Robert and I could step out of the room together. We would mostly go to the chapel. She was the mother of twins and had some experience with children being in the hospital. She knew that they had too many fluids going through one IV which was why it hurt Brandi so bad. Thanks to her, we made them listen to us. The fact that my little girl, who was petrified of needles, was fine with another IV spoke volumes to me about how bad she was.

Eventually, Bran started feeling well enough to beg the doctor to let her go home. She played on his sympathy; she wanted to be home on her birthday. He kept telling her that he would see. Well, she got her wish and was discharged the day before. Almost a week later.

God drew me to His home; even in the hospital. I had not gone to His house in years, but, yet, there it was. The day I discovered the chapel, I had taken a different route to step outside. He put me there; he chose my path. I am so glad I followed. To this day, I am drawn to the hospital chapel. Since then, I have prayed in several different ones, but I can still tell you exactly what the one in GA felt like, looked like.

I would love to say that I have followed His path since that horrible day, but I haven't. I just pray that I will continue to do better at following the path He has for me instead of me trying to make my own path.

If you are in a hospital, find the chapel, go there, you will find peace there. He is waiting for you. He will give you rest. He will comfort and hold you.


God. Thank you for hospital chapels and for the person who put them there. Thank you for guiding the person to put your house in hospitals for those like me to have a place to sit quietly with You. Thank you for saving our baby girl and giving us more time with her. Amen

Angry at God

I would love to say that my Christian journey has been all peaches and cream, but it has been far from it. There have been more trials than I care to remember. What I have learned through all the trials is that He brings his children back to Him if we let Him.

Next I will fast forward several years to the first time I felt the angriest at God. I had been unhappy and a little angry with Him on other things before, but this time I shut down. I never stopped believing in Him; I just lost trust in Him for a while. The strength of my faith was shattered.

I had always played by the rules. All my life, I did what I was supposed to do for the most part. I believed in God, took my children to church, I respected my elders, etc.and I participated in life. I couldn't believe He would allow this to happen to me.

I was married with two beautiful children; Brandi had just turned 3 yrs and Eric was 8 mths. We belonged to and attended the church I grew up in regularly. I took the children to visit their great-grandparents as well as their grandparents. I loved being a mother and wanted another child close to Eric's age. I was so excited when I suspected I was pregnant. I went to the doctor for the test. Well, the urinalysis never worked on me so, I had to wait the week or so for the blood test to confirm what I already knew.

On the day the call to confirm I was pregnant came, I had awaken to find I was bleeding a lot and not feeling well. When the call came not long after I got up, I told the nurse what was happening. She gave me a time to come in. I put Eric in his crib and told Brandi to play for a few minutes while I took a quick shower. I had just stepped into the shower when I lost the baby. The disbelief; the horror. I was in shock, I somehow managed to check on Brandi and Eric then call for help. I had no one but my babies.

Long story short, I ended up at the hospital where I had to have surgery. I awoke all alone in the hospital. My baby was gone and I just wanted to hold Brandi and Eric. My mind was screaming,"God, how could you do this to me? WHY did you do this to me? I WANT MY BABY BACK" .

The next day I went home, but I was changed forever. It took months before I could be around any other baby except Eric and Brandi. My arms ached to hold my baby. I heard her (my heart always thought it was a girl) cry at night for me. I was so angry at God.  There wasn't anyone to talk to about it and I'm not sure I would have even if there had been. Everyone that I saw kept saying things like, "these things happen for a reason" and "it wasn't meant to be".  A part of me was ashamed to be so angry at God, but I was. I avoided people for a long time. I just wrapped myself up in the babies I had left. Then, I would get scared He would take them too.

In my mind I yelled at God. I had survived a horrible ordeal when I was younger and I didn't yell at Him. Then there were the times when I would get angry that my brothers had disabilities and couldn't be like the other kids. Still I hadn't yelled at Him. Taking my baby from me shook me to the core; every fiber of my being was angry. I couldn't understand why He took my baby from me.

Within a few months of losing the baby, my marriage ended. Then the custody battle. To say I was angry is putting it mildly. This is another story for another day.

I would love to tell you that some wonderful revelation happened that brought me back to God, but it didn't. I am not sure when or how I made my way back. I think it was because I didn't quit talking to Him. Through all the pain, sorrow, anger, and all the other emotions, I may have yelled at Him, but I never stopped talking to Him. Somehow, he eventually brought me home. Just as the shepherd brings back the lost sheep, He picked me up and brought me home to Him. Picture an angry child and a parent holding that child tight in a hug even though the child doesn't want to be held. Eventually, the child calms down and relaxes in the parents arms. That was me and God.

No matter what you go through in life, NEVER stop talking to Him. He knows we are human. He knows we get angry, frustrated, happy, sad, and all the other human emotions. Just talk to Him even if you are angry with Him, just keep talking. He hears you. He never promised us we wouldn't hurt, but He did promise to be with you if you seek Him. During that entire time, I didn't realize I sought Him when I yelled at Him, but He did.

A Familiar Face in a Crowd of Strangers

God gives us what we need when we need it. His love for us is never failing. He shows up in many ways when we least expect it. This has been made apparent to me throughout many seasons of my life.

As I continue the story of my journey, I want to share a major event in my life that I made it through thanks to my Sunday School class. In first grade, I attended the most wonderful little country school, Dewey School. It consisted of grades 1 - 3 with two teachers and a cook. Those three ladies loved us and took the best care of us. The lessons they taught us and the guidance they gave us set the foundation for a love of learning, love of God, and love for each other. The 3rd grade class had 7 or 8 students, the 2nd grade class had 5 or 6 students, and my 1st grade class had only 3 students (4 for part of the year). I loved going there. I loved learning there. I was encouraged when I took it upon myself to do some of the lessons assigned to the 3rd graders. If they were assigned something to memorize, I would memorize it just to prove to myself that I could do it too. With such small classes, we were given plenty of one on one time. They not only taught us, but encouraged us to reach further. They also hugged us and prayed with us and for us.

For progress to happen, change must occur. My world was about to be changed and turned completely upside down. Toward the end of first grade, it was announced this was the last year Dewey School would be open. We were all heartbroken. Fear of having to go to the big school downtown engulfed me, but I didn't tell anyone how scared I was.

The summer quickly passed and the big day came. I walked into the big elementary school scared, but determined. Neither of the other 2 girls I knew from first grade were in my second grade class. I didn't know a soul in my new class. I had a new grumpy, old lady for a teacher that scared me to death. My dad had her when he was little and he said she was old when he had her. Luckily, I was one who followed rules to the letter.

Another surprise awaited me. We changed classes in this school! Well, I went to my math class across the hall in a daze since I was trying to get acclimated to this new crowded situation. (It wasn't crowded compared to today's standard of crowded, but it was to a little girl who came from a school which had a total of approximately 17 or so students in the entire school.)

I walked toward my desk, and there sat Sammy, my Sunday School teacher's son, in the row next to mine!  A familiar face! I sat at my desk and felt the safety of my Sunday School class right there in my new math class! I felt like a protective bubble was surrounding me. I knew everything was going to be just fine. Relief flooded through me and I relaxed.

As luck would have it, I was to only be in that class for less than a week when someone realized I was supposed to be in the math class for fast learners instead of the regular one. There were 4 teachers for each grade, each taught the same subject at the same time, but each teacher taught a different level of the subject. This allowed students to learn at a pace that was better suited for his/her learning speed. Well, you guessed it, my math teacher was to be my homeroom teacher; the grumpy one. Turned out that I ended up with her for all but one or two of my classes.

After seeing someone from my Sunday School class, I wasn't scared any more so, this was okay with me. Plus, I must admit, I thought if Sammy can handle going to this school, so can I! I was, well, still am, a little competitive :) She was a grumpy lady, she was strict, she was scary at times, but I learned well under her no fuss, no nonsense style of teaching. She would tell us what she wanted, show us how to do it,  and just expected us to do it. That worked well for me. That way still does. Just tell me what the job is and let me do it. While the start of my love for math began in first grade; this teacher planted that seed deeper in me. My third grade teacher was to plant it even deeper.

I know God gave me those few days with someone who reminded me how I felt in Sunday School to give me what I needed to accept the gift he had for me. The gift of knowing I can make it through change and continue a love of learning that I would need later in my life to just survive. He was setting the foundation for my future trials. That's another story for another day.

I thank God for the familiar face in a crowd of strangers.

Back to the Basics

I don't remember a time when I didn't believe in God. I was raised to just KNOW that HE IS. My first memories of going to church are before I started school. For a couple of years, I went to Martha's Chapel in Pound, VA for a couple of years or so. I don't have a lot of memories there, but I felt loved and safe.

By the time I was in first grade, or around then, I started going to Glady Fork Freewill Baptist Church. The feeling of just walking into that church is indescribable. I felt loved, safe, and the most accepted feeling of my life. My first memories there are of my Sunday School class. We would learn the most amazing things. My thirst of knowledge could not be quenched with the songs and Bible stories that my first teacher, Wilma Hampton, taught! I wanted MORE, MORE, MORE! All week, I couldn't wait to go back! Songs like "Get The Behind Me Satin", "The B I B L E", and many more come flooding back. She made learning about Jesus and His love for us fun. She told us about when she was a little girl and was taught about Jesus and how she planned to eat birch when the devil is loosed on the earth. I remember thinking I will do that too. She explained that, as she grew up, she realized that she would not be able to survive on birch bark. I started trying to figure out at that time what to do when that time comes. I decided then and there that I will not take the mark of the devil, I wanted so badly to belong to God. I decided that I would do whatever it took to belong to Him. The love I felt from the Lord was so intense. I had never felt anything like it. Don't get me wrong, I knew my family loved me, but this love was all consuming. I loved to be in church and to bask it that love. Being such a young child, I didn't understand it, but I knew it was RIGHT.

I grew up in that church. I took my children to that church. There are more memories to come along with how God has worked in life. How He brought me back to Him when I strayed, but that will be for another day. He sure does work in mysterious ways and time sure has a way of circling back around.